quite the problem child of fandom

The second question here has been sitting in my askbox all afternoon while I pondered, but now that I’ve got two I guess I should gather my thoughts! The “even” really did bother me and kind of still does because it isn’t consistent with Buffy’s character or attitude since S7.

I’ve seen speculation that these aren’t necessarily Buffy’s thoughts. I think they are, because it’s a little too meta to say that this is the audience talking? If we’re talking Watsonian perspective only, these are Buffy’s thoughts (or possibly what she imagines is her friends’, but I can’t see them very concerned with by Spike’s bugs being grossed out by her. Then again, there is the “we” in “We’d be better off if Severin had siphoned,” but that seems a general “we”.) And in a way, I kind of get the “even” because it means exactly what it seems to- Spike is still a vampire with an enormous history of evildoing, and Buffy hasn’t forgotten that. And right now, in her perceptions of self, she classifies herself as even worse than Spike, slayer of slayers and also sometimes little girls. Which is very sad and also very Buffy.

That second line can be interpreted in at least two ways, though- she’s surprised right now, that Spike’s getting piney over her body (much like Angel over Cordy in Birthday, as GG pointed out. “I’m more afraid of her dying than she is. What is that?” FEEEEELS), or that she’s still on this “doesn’t deserve” kick and can’t imagine why he’d still want her now that [she believes that] she’s such a mess. I’m inclined to think that, since these are Buffy’s insecurities speaking, it’s the latter.

I do like that the two lines about Spike in her thoughts establish that she’s very much thinking about him romantically (even if she doesn’t think it’s practical that something happen between them now or if she’s being avoidy), and she’s being so Buffy about it, denying herself love because she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. And some of her doubts are superficial and some are deeper, and I love that her relationship with Spike is counted in the deeper fears along with (one) Willow and XanDawn and slayerhood- all things she takes very seriously.

(I probably have better thoughts on this but I need more time for them to figure themselves out.)

(Also sidebar: I’m kind of turning to mush at the fact that she feels bad about the collector demon’s job. ljalkflskdjafsj why so perfect buffy summers)